Starting again, softly

Hey loves,

It’s been a hot minute. Yes, I disappeared. Regardless, I hope you've all had a fantastic start to the year.

Yes I disappeared, I really did vanish. I’ve slacked off with my content bag on my socials, trust me, I know.

Am I going to pick myself back up? Yes.

Is there still a chance for me to retry and achieve my aspirations in writing? Absolutely. Why wouldn’t there be?

Suppose you had asked me that a few months ago, I would have aired you and told you to get out of my face.

I basically abandoned my gift from God, something I had prayed for day in and day out, only to finally receive it and then neglect it.

I hit one year of having this blog and didn’t even announce it. No post. No celebration.

Nothing.

Looking back, I should have shown myself more self-compassion because this blog has taken a lot out of me to build. Emotionally. Mentally. Creatively. I remember one night I stayed up until 4 am, even though I had an early train to catch the next morning for my cousin’s graduation. On the journey I was kicking myself, thinking, ‘why didn’t I just go to sleep earlier?’ I was exhausted.

But that’s the thing about being passionate about something: you treat it like your firstborn. You lose sleep because you care about that thing substantially. That’s why it genuinely means so much when people sit and read what I write. Like, you actually care about what I’m saying? Shit man.

Call me Carrie Bradshaw. 💅🏾

The funny thing is, I actually uploaded a blog sometime in November. I wasn’t happy with how it turned out. I got frustrated. So I archived it and then ran away from trying again. But I’m back now, at least yay 😭

From the near end of 2025 up until this present moment, it has been a lot. Personal hardships. Emotional and physical exhaustion. Hurt by people around me. Being unwell. Family conflict. Just a lot.

In the time off I’ve had, I’ve adjusted to working full-time, sometimes six-day workweeks. Let’s be so for real,  I have things to do, places to go, looks to serve, and nobody is going to fund it but me, so yeah.

I won’t sugarcoat things and pretend it’s all sunshine and rainbows over here, because it certainly isn’t. I’m just a human being who goes through things, just like you. I’ve also discovered that I can be avoidant when it comes to facing things I don’t want to do. There was a short period where I genuinely questioned whether I wanted to keep going with this.

You know those moments of self-doubt and pessimism? Yes, that.

Because nobody was going to chase me for neglecting my blog, I took a long break to reflect and rest. I have so much to say but so little at the same time. Then I start wondering, is my work even good?

I’ve experienced a lot of emotional turbulence, but thankfully, with the help of my lovely therapist, my self-help strategies, and my wonderful community, my emotional regulation is improving.

Some of you who know me on a surface level might read this and think, “bro what 😳”. But yes, this is my life. It’s not perfect. I have adversities. I have struggles. And yes, that has resulted in me seeking a therapist. I strongly recommend it; it is not emphasised enough how much it can genuinely support your mental health.

Life can be a lot sometimes. I’ve had my ups and downs, my hurts and wins. I’ve had people I never thought would betray me show sides of themselves that left me in utter shock. People I anticipated being in my life forever.

It has made me cautious about where I let myself go and who I allow into my life, because when someone you hold in high regard disappoints you, it really does hurt. It threw me into a spiral of relentless questions about everything, even myself. What could I have done differently? How can I be better in the future? How do I prevent mishaps?

I’m not perfect, no one is, but there is always room to grow. I remind myself of that daily, when I remember to. At some point, I realised nobody is going to write and publish a blog for me, so I’d better open Word and get typing.

Some of what I’ve endured has altered my behaviours and habits, in both good and bad ways. For example, I’m more mindful when I communicate with people. I try to ensure they feel respected, because I would appreciate that in return. But on the flip side, I bottle things up far too much lol. I don’t like sharing as freely anymore.

Thank God for my journal. If you don’t have one, get one.

Right now, I’m resistant to forming new relationships. I carry this quiet apprehension that something bad will happen again. I’ve acknowledged that I don’t currently have it in me to let new people into my circle fully, and that stems from persistent letdowns.

However, I am slowly unlearning that. I am learning that it’s okay to have people around me. Not everyone will hurt me, and it is unfair to judge people’s intentions before I even know what they have to offer.

During my break, I’ve been reflecting on who I am, what I have to offer, and how I can align myself more closely with Christ. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve scratched my head, frowned, read scriptures, read articles, and spoken to wise peers for guidance.

One thing I’ve learned is this: if I put my all into the Lord and keep Him at the forefront of my mind, I am already progressing. Walking with Christ is not always easy; many of us know that. But one thing that reassures me is this: even when we forget Him, He never forgets us.

Luke 1:37, “For with God nothing is impossible.”

It is okay to have adversities. It is our first time doing life, and we are learning as we go.

I am just a girl. I have my moments of distress like anyone else. But we pick ourselves back up.

With love and curiosity,

Just Jenni